I recently moved. It was a local move. There is nothing like having to pack up everything one owns to realize just how much baggage one is willing to accumulate and carry around. At first I found myself resistant to the idea of change. Change alters the status quo, and that means it will do one of three things: improve, digress, or merely be different. Change requires a certain amount of determination and acceptance. Was I willing? After all, it was going to cost me something … physically, emotionally, and definitely financially. Aside from that, it meant I was going to have to ask for help – never my strong suit. I have learned over the years, however, that holding to fierce independence or martyrdom is not strength, it is self-defeating. So, I asked for help, and trudged forward.People keep asking me, “Are you liking your new place?”. Dare I be honest…mostly with myself? That would not be the response they were looking for! My change is “merely different” thus far. There is clutter and boxes, nothing in its “right” place, and it doesn’t look or smell like home. I find myself sitting in some uncomfortable feelings, and that’s ok, because this is not a permanent state.
We get so comfortable when life is “normal”, when we can find everything we need, when relationships are working well, or when the job is particularly fulfilling. We kick off our shoes and get cozy when life is going smoothly, and sometimes we even get a little lazy about caring for or investing in those relationships closest to us. While we aren’t paying attention, the clutter begins to accumulate, and sometimes the distractions we get caught up in carry us in directions that are more detrimental to those relationships. We begin to notice shifts in the connections, and a decline in the emotional and physical intimacy. What has felt like comfort, safety, and security (life as we knew it), has somehow been altered and is no longer a given … you cannot hang your hat there, because someone moved the hook. What to do?
Acknowledge. “We cannot change or heal what we do not acknowledge”.
Know what you want or what you hope to be different, and begin to have conversations about that, voicing your desires. That may look like, “I feel _____, and I need _____”, or “What I want from you and am not getting is ______”.
Own your responsibility.
Sit with your feelings.
Repeat
Sitting with feelings can be the most difficult thing at times. It may be uncomfortable, and in sitting with the feelings we are more aware of the anxiety that comes from not being in control or not knowing the outcome. When we don’t sit with the feelings, we tend to impose certain expectations on self or others that are unrealistic – in an attempt to regain a sense of normal. What is the worst thing that will happen if you simply nest in that place that does not look or smell like home for a while? Will you survive those unpleasant feelings? Do you have support while you’re there, and will you ask for help? What if you are all alone there for now? Maybe you’re afraid to hang your hat on the hook … no trust.
We, at LifeLine, know what it’s like to live the everyday life and to find that you are in a stuck place, despite your best effort. We want to be a lifeline for you and hold hope for you. We will help you sort through the clutter and find the valuable pieces of you that have been misplaced for one reason or another.
Written by Debbie Nixon
