Dealing with Grief & Loss

    In our society, we celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and promotions with little to no effort. We know how to congratulate one another, but rarely do we find ourselves with the right words to say when it comes to grief and loss. As Americans, we are often taught to keep negative feelings to ourselves and to sweep our problems under the rug. Because of this, it comes as no surprise that our culture has little patience when it comes to grieving. There is an overarching belief that “we should just get over it.”

     What many people do not understand is how grief and loss are not only attributed to the death of a friend or loved one, but can also be a part of many every day losses. These losses can include being laid off by an employer, breaking up with a significant other or moving to a new location. When dealing with an every day loss, an individual may find that his or her family members or friends are not as supportive as they need them to be, or are “tired of hearing about it.” They may begin to feel isolated and alone in their pain and not know what outlet to take.

Counseling can help the individual identify the loss as something they need to grieve, and the counselor can walk through that process with the individual in a way that friends and family may not be able to. Individuals need to be allowed to feel any pain associated with the loss before they can begin to move on. So while friends and family members may be encouraging the individual to “move on” or “get back on the horse,” a counselor can recognize the pain associated with the loss and help the individual process through it so they can move on when they are actually ready to.

            Everyone experiences loss in different ways, and something that may have a huge impact on one individual may barely impact another. Equally, everyone grieves in his or her own way. Counseling helps individuals understand that grief is a natural and healthy part of life, and that they are allowed to feel whatever they may feel, regardless of what our society may believe or expect.

Written by Nicole Brown, Graduate Intern

Famly Reunion

Recently, I had the experience of reconnecting with some of my extended family in the ever dreaded FAMLY REUNION!!!!   I am sure that my nervous anticipation of the judgment and ridicule is a familiar experience to many others.   As a kid, I was experienced by my cousins and extended family as being extremely spoiled.  However, on the inside I experienced great shame and embarrassment of who I was.   As I reflect on what I must have been like as a child, I am sure that I was trying to cover up my feelings of inadequacy and shame by being annoying, frustrating, and generally rotten. 

Fast forward 30 years, I am sitting around the campfire with the same family members who I provided great material for teasing and harassing and I was able to experience love and acceptance.  Much of the time was spent catching up on each others lives.    However, there were moments when I felt we were able to look past the image of our youth and see who we are as adults.  Many of us have had tremendous relational difficulties, marriage failures, and deaths that have impacted us deeply.  While there were the usual jabs at each other, there were also the moments of reality that each of us is tied to the other through the stories of our lives, our parent’s lives, and our past generations.  In this place of pain, struggle, success, and love, we were able to stand together and find acceptance and healing. 

As with many of my clients, I am no different in that the story of my life has played a significant role in creating who I am today.  The same insecurities that I experiences as a child can often show up and have me behave in ways that are frustrating and hurtful to others.  In these moments when these insecurities show their ugly head, I find it difficult to stand firm in who I believe that God has created me to be.  I find that to be the honest, confident, self-accepting man that God created me to be can be extremely difficult in times that are awkward, scary and uncomfortable. 

Over the years, I have had the opportunity to be involved in a seminar that is built on the idea that “you cannot change or heal what you do not acknowledge’.  So, I continue to acknowledge my wounds, fears, and shame and step forward into the future with confidence that God will continue to work in me to be whom I was created to be all along.  It is also my greatest pleasure to walk beside my clients who are struggling to find who they are created to be, and help them find acceptance and love.  I am sure I am not alone on this journey, so if you find this a difficulty for you, talk with a trained professional that can help you find the amazing person God has created you to be.

"Thrilled To Death"

In 2008 in the United States alone, over 1 trillion text messages were exchanged. Mathematically speaking, it equates to 3.5 billion messages each day, or 145 million text messages each hour. There are more than 18 million people on Twitter, and according to the most recent stats published by Facebook more than 150 million users access their page through mobile devices! The conclusion that can be drawn from these startling facts is that we are closely attached to the technology that enables social relationships. The invention that was originally intended to liberate us from social isolation now stands as the poster-child for over-stimulation, excessive accessibility, and absolute technological reliance. When it comes to the relationship between technology and healthy living, the equation is pretty simple: technology + boundaries = healthiness.

While the tone here has the potential to be negative, it is important to clearly state that the problem with technology has nothing to do with the technology itself. In fact, it is actually most fair to view technology as value-neutral, which is to say it lacks any inherent goodness or badness. Rather, technology simply is, and it is the use of this technology that determines its value. There are countless technologies that have the potential to enhance our quality of life that are frequently overlooked or typically misunderstood. A great example of this is video conferencing. Educationally speaking, video conferencing has the potential to create interactions between teachers and learners in a manner that creates a diverse and enriched classroom experience in contexts where gathering in the same physical location is simply impossible. By the same token, however, this technology has been utilized to exploit the sexuality and developmental well-being of adolescents across the globe. Our responsibility, then, is to serve as sensible people when it comes to the application of technology in our lives.  

So what does all of this mean? In the quest for healthy living, it has long been said that stress is the silent killer. It comes as no surprise the means by which this silent killer is delivered are the devices to which we are most closely attached. Lap-tops. Cell phones. MP3 players. Big screen televisions. Surround sound. Video and computer games. With constant bombardment from high-stimulation technologies, we are terribly at risk for losing touch with the relationships that ground us in reality. As Archibald Hart aptly states in his book, “Thrilled to Death”, “our continuous pursuit of high stimulation is snuffing out our ability to experience genuine pleasure in simple things.”  At the core of this concern is our cultural inability to maintain healthy boundaries around our use of technology. This stress is self-inflicted in many ways, in that we have invited these technologies into our lives in an effort to “simplify” or “connect”. The harsh reality is that many of us lose control of the influence of technology and soon fall prey to over-stimulated, isolated and technologically dependent lives, far from the simplicity and connection envisioned at the outset. 

How the equation reads in most homes sounds something like this: high technology + low boundaries = unhealthy environment. For most people, the primary solution is the removal of  

Just when you start hanging your hat, someone comes along and moves the hook.  What is that?  Disappointment?  Discontentment?  Disillusionment?  Disheartening.

I recently moved.  It was a local move.  There is nothing like having to pack up everything one owns to realize just how much baggage one is willing to accumulate and carry around.  At first I found myself resistant to the idea of change.  Change alters the status quo, and that means it will do one of three things:  improve, digress, or merely be different.  Change requires a certain amount of determination and acceptance. Was I willing?  After all, it was going to cost me something … physically, emotionally, and definitely financially.  Aside from that, it meant I was going to have to ask for help – never my strong suit.  I have learned over the years, however, that holding to fierce independence or martyrdom is not strength, it is self-defeating.  So, I asked for help, and trudged forward.

People keep asking me, “Are you liking your new place?”.  Dare I be honest…mostly with myself?  That would not be the response they were looking for!  My change is “merely different” thus far.  There is clutter and boxes, nothing in its “right” place, and it doesn’t look or smell like home.  I find myself sitting in some uncomfortable feelings, and that’s ok, because this is not a permanent state.  

We get so comfortable when life is “normal”, when we can find everything we need, when relationships are working well, or when the job is particularly fulfilling.  We kick off our shoes and get cozy when life is going smoothly, and sometimes we even get a little lazy about caring for or investing in those relationships closest to us.  While we aren’t paying attention, the clutter begins to accumulate, and sometimes the distractions we get caught up in carry us in directions that are more detrimental to those relationships.  We begin to notice shifts in the connections, and a decline in the emotional and physical intimacy.  What has felt like comfort, safety, and security (life as we knew it), has somehow been altered and is no longer a given … you cannot hang your hat there, because someone moved the hook.  What to do? 

Acknowledge.  “We cannot change or heal what we do not acknowledge”.

Know what you want or what you hope to be different, and begin to have conversations about that, voicing your desires.  That may look like, “I feel _____, and I need _____”, or “What I want from you and am not getting is ______”.

Own your responsibility. 

Sit with your feelings.

Repeat 

Sitting with feelings can be the most difficult thing at times.  It may be uncomfortable, and in sitting with the feelings we are more aware of the anxiety that comes from not being in control or not knowing the outcome.  When we don’t sit with the feelings, we tend to impose certain expectations on self or others that are unrealistic – in an attempt to regain a sense of normal.  What is the worst thing that will happen if you simply nest in that place that does not look or smell like home for a while?  Will you survive those unpleasant feelings?  Do you have support while you’re there, and will you ask for help?  What if you are all alone there for now?  Maybe you’re afraid to hang your hat on the hook … no trust.

We, at LifeLine, know what it’s like to live the everyday life and to find that you are in a stuck place, despite your best effort.  We want to be a lifeline for you and hold hope for you.  We will help you sort through the clutter and find the valuable pieces of you that have been misplaced for one reason or another. 

Written by Debbie Nixon